Essays ·
How to Balance Compassion for Others with Self-Care
Even a Formula 1 car takes pit stops. Big hearts need shifts too.
Greg Murray, Founder, Human Creative Coaching
In short
Compassion fatigue is real, and big-hearted people are most exposed to it because personal life has no shifts: the friend calls the moment work ends. The answer is not to care less. It is to build pit stops on purpose: notice what fills your tank, delegate what someone else could carry, and take time when you are genuinely off. Recharged, you are more effective everywhere you choose to give.
In this piece
Watch the video: Big heart, big brain.
So many of the people I work with have huge hearts. As a big-hearted person, you often put yourself out there the most and, unfortunately, probably get hurt and taken advantage of more often. I know I have. You may overextend yourself in multiple arenas (again, I know I have) to help more, have a greater impact, or shore up the gap.
I used to work with automotive brands, and I greatly appreciate the engineering that goes into the vehicles we drive every day. Yet not even the best sports car in the world is meant to be driven with the accelerator pinned to the floor 24/7. Balancing compassion for others with care for yourself is hard. Often I find clients have good reasons they've convinced themselves of that keep them in cycles of burnout.
What if there was another way?
What does Formula 1 know about giving?
Formula 1 cars are possibly the most engineered and monitored machines on the planet. Designed to go as fast as possible, take curves at the highest speeds possible, always pushing the boundary of what they can handle without breaking. And the drivers are remarkable. But even they have to ease through turns, take pit stops for fuel and fresh tires, and rest between races.
Think about the pit stop. A whole team specializes in race-day maintenance, because even the best vehicle in the world needs two seconds while twenty-one people provide the help, resources, and repair it needs to keep racing. Those engines are astonishing, and even they can't stay maxed out every moment of every day.
Or consider psychiatric nurses, some of the most giving, big-hearted people you will meet. Even they have shifts. Why? Because compassion fatigue is real. It was first described in exactly those professions: the emotional exhaustion that comes from sustained caring for others in distress.1
Even the best engine in the world can't stay maxed out every moment of every day.
Why is personal life harder than a shift?
In our personal lives, there are no shifts. You clock out of work and a friend in need calls. There's a non-profit you help. You study extra to grow your career. Perhaps you have kids who need attention, help with a project, dinner, a ride from practice. There is always something needing your time, energy, resources, attention.
These can be wonderful, life-giving activities. But be aware of what's happening inside you. Pay attention to what fills your tank, because you do need to build in shifts. Ask yourself: am I running all the time, giving to some person or situation?
There may be a disaster or a season when that is necessary. It is not sustainable long term. Burnout research has said this plainly for decades: chronic emotional demand without recovery produces exhaustion, cynicism, and a collapse in effectiveness.2
How do you build in shifts?
- Be big-brained about your giving. How could your limited time, energy, and resources produce the most output from your input? How could that improve even five or ten percent this week?
- Delegate. An item or two could go to somebody else. Then go play golf, calm your mind, clock out.
- Be actually off. Do something where you have genuinely punched out. Rest is not idle: the brain's default network is highly active when you are not on task, doing the consolidation and self-reflection that on-task time never allows.3
- Remember the return. When you're recharged, you're more effective in every area you choose to help with.
What does recharging give back?
Increased drive and excitement for life. A greater feeling of freedom and flexibility. Deeper conversations. The ability to be truly present. Greater personal well-being. Ending and beginning your day with excitement.
Closing
Punch out. Go do something that recharges your tank. Let's grow together by giving from a full one.
Questions I hear
What is compassion fatigue?
The emotional and physical exhaustion that comes from sustained caring for others in distress. It was first described in nurses and therapists, but anyone who gives without recovery is exposed to it.
Isn't self-care selfish when others need me?
A pit stop is not quitting the race. Recovery is what makes the giving sustainable and effective. Running on empty helps no one for long.
How do I build shifts into a life that has none?
Notice what fills your tank, delegate what someone else could carry, and schedule time when you are genuinely off, not just less on. Protect it the way you would a work shift.
References
- Figley, C. R. (Ed.). (2002). Treating Compassion Fatigue. Brunner-Routledge.
- Pines, A., & Aronson, E. (1988). Career Burnout: Causes and Cures. Free Press.
- Raichle, M. E. (2015). The brain's default mode network. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 38, 433–447. DOI
This article is written from a coaching perspective and is for general information. It is not psychotherapy, counseling, or medical advice, and it is not a substitute for care from a licensed professional.
Greg Murray · TPRAT certified, TLP Director, TPRAT co-facilitator. Coach to founders, executives, and artists. Writes here about what actually changes a person.
