Essays · · Updated
Are You Rewarding Negative Behaviors?
Nobody sets out to reinforce a hurtful pattern. Most of us do it anyway, by letting it slide or absorbing the cost.
Greg Murray, Founder, Human Creative Coaching
In short
Behavior that is followed by a good outcome, or by relief from a bad one, gets repeated. That is operant conditioning, and it runs whether or not you intend it. Two common ways we reinforce hurtful behavior: letting it pass without consequence, and absorbing the consequences for the other person. Recognizing the line between supporting and enabling is how the pattern changes.
In this piece
Watch the video: Supporting or enabling? The line is finer than it looks.
Have you ever wondered if you're unknowingly rewarding negative behaviors in yourself or others? It's something I used to grapple with too. Most of us would never deliberately reinforce a hurtful pattern, yet many of us do it without realizing.
Here is the psychology of behaviorism, specifically operant conditioning, how this happens, and how to stop reinforcing harmful habits in your relationships and your own growth.
What counts as a negative behavior?
Actions that harm yourself or others, emotionally, mentally, or physically. Dishonesty, laziness, manipulation, avoidance, self-sabotage, selfishness. Often these go unnoticed or unaddressed in relationships, workplaces, and within ourselves.
What is operant conditioning?
Behaviorism is a theory of learning built on the idea that behaviors are acquired through conditioning. B. F. Skinner demonstrated that behavior can be shaped by reinforcing desired actions and discouraging unwanted ones: through rewards and consequences, behaviors are strengthened or weakened.3
- Positive reinforcement strengthens a behavior by adding a favorable outcome. Praising someone for a good deed encourages them to continue.
- Negative reinforcement strengthens a behavior by removing an unfavorable outcome. Taking a painkiller relieves the headache, which strengthens the habit of reaching for medicine when in pain.
The idea is simple: behaviors that produce favorable outcomes are repeated; those that don't fade. Neuroscience adds that the brain's reward system responds not only to gains but to relief, which is why behaviors that merely make a bad feeling stop can be so sticky.2
How might you be rewarding hurtful behavior?
When someone does something harmful and receives no consequence, or worse, benefits from it, that is reinforcement, however unintentional. Two common ways it happens (I was doing both):
- Allowing the action without consequences. If a friend regularly cancels at the last minute and you never express frustration or set a boundary, they learn the behavior costs nothing.
- Absorbing the consequences for them. Covering for a partner's mistakes, cleaning up after someone, keeping the peace at your own expense. The behavior persists because the person never meets its cost.
Helping is often good. But there is a fine line between supporting and enabling, and recognizing it is crucial to healthier dynamics at home, at work, and in family life.
There is a fine line between supporting and enabling.
What does the research say about enabling?
The clinical literature on partners of people with substance use problems is consistent: behaviors that shield someone from the natural consequences of their actions tend to prolong and can worsen the problem, because they remove the very feedback that would motivate change.1 The same mechanism operates in ordinary relationships. Remove the consequence and you remove the reason to change.
Closing
Recognizing and adjusting how you respond to negative behavior is key to healthier relationships and your own growth. Understanding reinforcement lets you create an environment where good behavior thrives and hurtful behavior stops paying.
Whether in your personal life, your work, or within yourself, learning to set boundaries and see the pattern is what makes change last. Let's work on it together.
Questions I hear
What are the signs I might be enabling someone?
You are constantly cleaning up after their mistakes, avoiding conflict to keep the peace, or allowing them to skip the consequences of their actions. Their behavior goes unchecked and you carry the cost.
How do I stop reinforcing negative behavior?
Set a clear boundary, say plainly when a behavior is hurtful, and follow through when the boundary is crossed. Then look at your own patterns for the same unintentional rewards.
How does this apply to parenting?
Directly. A child who gets what they want after a tantrum learns that tantrums work. Praise and consistent consequences teach the opposite lesson.
References
- Rotunda, R. J., & Doman, K. (2001). Partner enabling of substance use disorders: Critical review and future directions. American Journal of Family Therapy, 29(4), 257–270. DOI
- Schultz, W. (2006). Behavioral theories and the neurophysiology of reward. Annual Review of Psychology, 57, 87–115. DOI
- Skinner, B. F. (1938). The Behavior of Organisms: An Experimental Analysis. Appleton-Century.
This article is written from a coaching perspective and is for general information. It is not psychotherapy, counseling, or medical advice, and it is not a substitute for care from a licensed professional.
Greg Murray · TPRAT certified, TLP Director, TPRAT co-facilitator. Coach to founders, executives, and artists. Writes here about what actually changes a person.
