Essays · · Updated
The Power of Letting Go: How to Gain Control by Releasing Control
You are holding a remote that only works on one person. Put it down and pick up the right one.
Greg Murray, Founder, Human Creative Coaching
In short
You cannot control other people's behavior, choices, or actions; you can only influence them. Trying to control them makes you the one who is out of control: worrying, micromanaging, nagging. The paradox is that letting go of others returns control of the only thing that was ever yours, your own emotions, thoughts, and responses. That is where security comes from.
In this piece
Watch the video: That remote won't ever work on others.
One of the greatest benefits of letting go of control is that we stop trying to manage things we simply cannot. How often do you stress over someone else's behavior, choices, or actions? Perhaps so often you've gotten used to it. I know I have. Are you actually able to control these things? You might influence them, sure. But control?
Imagine holding a remote, frantically pressing buttons, hoping to change someone else's channel. It isn't working, so you hunt for batteries. Maybe it's the wrong remote? You search the house. Nothing works. Here's the truth: no matter how hard you press, how many fresh batteries you load, that remote will never work on other people. At a fundamental level, your control only works on you.
What is the paradox of control?
Letting go doesn't mean you're out of control. Letting go gives you control. When you stop trying to control others, you gain control over the most important variable: yourself. The irony I want to dive into is that this is what empowerment actually is.
Because when we try to control others, we become the ones out of control. We become chronic worriers, micromanagers, over-thinkers. Rebellious. Perfectionists. Incessant naggers.
This is an old insight. Epictetus opened the Enchiridion by dividing everything into what is in our power, our judgments, desires, and actions, and what is not, and argued that misery comes from confusing the two.2 Two thousand years later the finding holds.
Letting go doesn't mean you're out of control. Letting go gives you control.
What can you actually control?
We can't control others, but we can control ourselves. And where we struggle to maintain that control is often exactly the growth path we need to be on. We can manage our:
- Emotions
- Thought patterns
- Desires
- Loves
- Feelings and responses
Where does the secure feeling come from?
The out-of-control feeling we can actually solve is the one that pertains to ourselves. I don't want you to feel out of control. Raise your sense of security by letting go of what you can't control (put down the remote) and realizing the one thing you can control is you.
What does the research say?
Self-determination theory identifies autonomy, the experience of governing your own actions, as a basic psychological need. People resist having it taken from them, which is one reason efforts to control others so reliably backfire, and why turning that energy toward your own choices restores well-being.1
Regulating your own reactions is also a trainable skill. Emotion-regulation research shows that reappraisal, choosing how to interpret a situation, engages the brain's control regions and changes the emotional response itself.3 And the brain that practices self-directed attention reshapes around it.4 Control of self is not a personality trait. It is a practice.
Closing
Take some time to reflect on where you might be trying to control others, and how you can shift that focus to yourself.
By letting go, you become free. Let's grow together by learning to control the only thing we actually can: ourselves.
Questions I hear
What is the paradox of control?
Trying to control other people makes you anxious, controlling, and reactive, the opposite of in control. Releasing that effort returns your attention to the one domain you truly govern: your own thoughts, emotions, and actions.
Isn't influence a form of control?
No. You can influence through example, boundaries, and honest communication. Control means determining another person's choice, and that is never available to you.
How do I stop trying to control others?
Notice the moment you reach for the remote. Name what you are afraid will happen. Then ask what is actually yours to manage in the situation, and do that.
References
- Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "what" and "why" of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. DOI
- Epictetus. (2008). Discourses and Selected Writings (R. Dobbin, Trans.). Penguin Classics. (Enchiridion, §1; original c. 125 CE)
- Ochsner, K. N., & Gross, J. J. (2005). The cognitive control of emotion. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 9(5), 242–249. DOI
- Schwartz, J. M., & Begley, S. (2002). The Mind and the Brain: Neuroplasticity and the Power of Mental Force. HarperCollins.
This article is written from a coaching perspective and is for general information. It is not psychotherapy, counseling, or medical advice, and it is not a substitute for care from a licensed professional.
Greg Murray · TPRAT certified, TLP Director, TPRAT co-facilitator. Coach to founders, executives, and artists. Writes here about what actually changes a person.
