Essays · · Updated
3 Obstacles to Confrontation: Fear, Wrath, and Guilt
You can see how the conversation would help. So why does it keep not happening?
Greg Murray, Founder, Human Creative Coaching
In short
Three obstacles keep most hard conversations from happening: fear of losing the relationship, fear of the other person's anger, and guilt about causing them pain. Each one, examined, weakens. A relationship that cannot hold the truth has less value than it seems; a fear response can be named and worked with; and treating someone as too fragile for honesty is usually a statement about our own fragility. The pain of the process is worth it.
In this piece
Why is confrontation so hard? Why do you keep putting off hard conversations? You can see how your life, your business, and your relationships might benefit, but you feel the disruption will be too much.
Or maybe the pain is so deep you don't have the strength to step into the ring again. Whatever the challenge, you gain traction by getting clear on the specific obstacles you face and how to navigate them. There are generally three. As you read, notice which one you relate to most.
Obstacle one: fear of losing the relationship
Confrontation is especially hard in close relationships. You may fear the truth will damage a friendship, a business partnership, or a family dynamic. Yet if the truth cannot be discussed, is this person really your friend? Does the relationship actually have the value you're protecting?
Avoiding the conversation often does more harm to the relationship in the long run. Approach it with empathy and a desire to understand the other person's perspective. Healthy relationships are built on trust and honesty, and John Gottman's decades of research on couples found that it is not the presence of conflict that predicts a relationship's failure but how the conflict is handled.2 Addressing issues and working through them together is what deepens connection.
Obstacle two: fear of wrath
Confrontation could make someone you care about angry with you, cost you a partnership or a job, shift more responsibility onto your plate, or cause any number of other harms.
Recognize your fear response. Fight, flight, freeze, or fold? The stress response is the body's fast, automatic reaction to perceived threat,3 and a hard conversation registers as one. Simply identifying your pattern gives you the awareness to find a healthy way through it rather than being run by it.
Obstacle three: guilt
The thought that keeps on giving. Guilt says, "I'm concerned that I did, or am going to, damage you with this confrontation." When you take on too much responsibility for another person's well-being, you step into territory where you fragilize people. Not a real word. Hang with me.
When you fragilize someone, you're saying they are damaged and cannot handle a confrontation that would bring greater health to the relationship. You are not respecting their resilience.
Fragilizing someone and avoiding the hard conversation is actually an expression of your own fragility: you're too fragile to handle their pain, anger, or discomfort. Cloud and Townsend make the same point about boundaries: taking responsibility for another adult, rather than to them, ends up serving neither of you.1 There's no need to walk on eggshells any longer. I've been there. It is not worth the energy.
Treating someone as too fragile for honesty is usually a statement about our own fragility.
Take a moment and ask: which of these three do I struggle with most, and why?
Is it worth the pain of the process?
Confrontation is difficult; avoiding it costs far more. Facing issues head-on brings clarity and lets you move forward in a healthier way. Facing someone may be uncomfortable, but the pain of the process is almost always worth it in the end. You will feel more empowered and more in control of your life when you can confront what needs confronting. And who doesn't want more peace?
Where does the strength come from?
The support of others is an incredible resource when facing the hardest confrontations. A mentor, a trusted friend, a colleague you can be honest with: they bring fresh perspective and encouragement. When we surround ourselves with people who uplift and challenge us, we're far better equipped to face challenges directly. Some confrontations will require outside perspective for the best possible outcome. Don't be afraid to reach for it.
Closing
The health on the other side of these conversations is more than worth the pain of the process. For the conversation itself, the eight-element structure in the companion piece is the tool I use most.
Questions I hear
Why do I avoid confrontation?
Usually one of three fears: losing the relationship, provoking anger, or causing pain (guilt). Naming which one is operating is the first step to moving through it.
What does it mean to "fragilize" someone?
To treat another adult as too damaged to handle honesty. It feels like kindness but disrespects their resilience, and it is often a cover for our own discomfort.
Is confrontation bad for relationships?
No. Research on couples finds that how conflict is handled, not whether it happens, predicts the health of a relationship. Avoidance tends to erode trust over time.
References
- Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.
- Gottman, J. M. (1994). What Predicts Divorce? The Relationship Between Marital Processes and Marital Outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum.
- McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: Central role of the brain. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873–904. DOI
This article is written from a coaching perspective and is for general information. It is not psychotherapy, counseling, or medical advice, and it is not a substitute for care from a licensed professional.
Greg Murray · TPRAT certified, TLP Director, TPRAT co-facilitator. Coach to founders, executives, and artists. Writes here about what actually changes a person.
