Field Notes · · Updated
3 Tips for Taking Yourself on a Date
A hot matcha, a blanket, a cold beach at sunset. Watering the plants of your own soul is simpler than it sounds.
Greg Murray, Founder, Human Creative Coaching
In short
Taking yourself on a date means setting aside time to notice and meet your own needs, so the wellspring has something to overflow from. It can be as simple as spending an hour doing something you already love. Three tips: choose places and activities you know you enjoy, leave expectations behind and be present, and turn off your phone.
In this piece
Why should I take myself on a date? Won't people look at me weird?
Taking yourself on a date practically means taking the time to water the plants of your soul and recognize your own needs, creating space to ask for what you need and letting it be poured in. Living a full life has a profoundly positive effect on your work, your relationships, and your community. The heart has been called the "wellspring of life,"2 and practically speaking, we want access to that wellspring and want it overflowing into the rest of life.
During the pandemic I heard a YouTuber mention taking yourself on a date literally; I'd always imagined it figuratively. I felt a little funny about the concept, and curious. Why does it matter? Wouldn't I be uncomfortable out solo?
The benefits were apparent with a bit of research; time alone by choice, as opposed to loneliness, is associated with lower stress and greater self-understanding.1 So I talked myself past the discomfort, blocked out an afternoon, chose a few simple things I love, and dove in.
What did it look like?
I love coffee and matcha, I love the beach, and I love ocean views. I'm a simple man. After a long day of meetings in another city, I grabbed a hot matcha from a favorite shop in Newport Beach and got in the car. It was a chilly winter California afternoon. I drove a few minutes to the beach, laid out a blanket, sat down, and with the matcha in hand watched a gorgeous sunset.
It was surprisingly easy and genuinely rewarding. A relaxed happiness surfaced, a sense of fulfillment after a hard day's work, gratitude for life itself. I journaled for a few minutes so the experience would stay with me.
A date with yourself can be as simple as an hour doing something you already love.
How do you start?
- Choose activities or places you already know you love. This is not the moment to experiment. Go where you're certain to be glad you went.
- Leave expectations behind and be fully present. No agenda, no outcome. Just be there.
- Turn off your phone. Tell anyone important where you'll be and when you'll be reachable. It will be tempting to reach for it if you get self-conscious around others; the point is to stay with yourself.
Keep it simple. This is a moment where everything else is on hold and your heart is being invested in. A fulfilled you adds to any current or future romantic relationship, and if you're single, a fulfilled you benefits everyone around you.
Closing
This is a practice I'll keep, and I hope you find it worth keeping too. Let's keep tapping the wellspring and bringing that life to the people around us.
Questions I hear
What does it mean to take yourself on a date?
Setting aside deliberate time to do something you love, alone and without an agenda, as a way of noticing and meeting your own needs.
Isn't it awkward to go out alone?
A little, at first. Choose places you already love, leave the phone off, and the self-consciousness fades quickly. Most people around you will not notice, and the ones who do will likely be envious.
How often should I do it?
Often enough that it becomes a rhythm rather than a rescue. Once a month is a good start.
References
- Nguyen, T. T., Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2018). Solitude as an approach to affective self-regulation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 44(1), 92–106. DOI
- Proverbs 4:23 (New International Version).
This article is written from a coaching perspective and is for general information. It is not psychotherapy, counseling, or medical advice, and it is not a substitute for care from a licensed professional.
Greg Murray · TPRAT certified, TLP Director, TPRAT co-facilitator. Coach to founders, executives, and artists. Writes here about what actually changes a person.
