Essays · · Updated
What Are the 5 Love Languages?
A note and a Hershey's kiss on a pillow. Love lands when it is spoken in the language the other person hears.
Greg Murray, Founder, Human Creative Coaching
In short
Gary Chapman's five love languages, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts, describe the different ways people express and recognize love. When your way of giving does not match the other person's way of receiving, care gets lost in translation. Knowing both lists, yours and theirs, is the fix, at home and at work.
In this piece
Have you ever expressed that you loved, cared for, or appreciated someone, only for them not to realize it at all?
Communication is hard. Expressing love in a way that is truly received is harder. That difficulty is why Gary Chapman wrote what became The 5 Love Languages, a book about five ways people express love and best understand that they are loved.1 Knowing them can move you into deeper connection with the people you care about most.
A note on a pillow
When I was a kid, there were rare weekends I spent at my grandparents' or a friend's house. One time I came home and found a note from my mother with a Hershey's kiss on my pillow.
I remember feeling known, seen, and cared about in a particular way. I looked for a note on my pillow every time after that. The warm feeling came from a simple gesture and a little effort, and it is a memory I'll always have.
What does this have to do with love languages? Your loved ones have a natural way of expressing and receiving love. So do you. When those two don't align, misunderstandings grow into frustration or confusion. My mother's expression happened to match the way I receive. Understanding the five languages lets you make that match on purpose, with family, community, and colleagues.
Love lands when it is spoken in the language the other person hears.
What are the five?
- Words of affirmation. Encouraging, thoughtful, affirming words. A well-placed sentence can go far deeper than a good feeling.
- Quality time. Undivided attention. As a manager, that might be a focused fifteen-minute check-in. With family and friends it goes beyond watching a movie together; it looks like undistracted presence and conversation.
- Physical touch. One of the first ways we learn and grow. Touch in close relationships lowers stress hormones and strengthens bonding;3 in a work setting, obviously, keep it to a high-five for a job well done.
- Acts of service. Helpful action. It extends past romance into leadership: serving others before yourself inspires teams, deepens friendships, and builds healthy family bonds.
- Receiving gifts. At work, a specific award, a team lunch, or something customized to what a person actually cares about. The key is to give what speaks to them, not what you would want. Giving strengthens relationships for the giver too.2
What does the research say?
The framework is popular, not clinical, and worth holding accordingly: studies have found only mixed support for the idea that people have one primary language, and stronger support for a simpler point, that partners who express love in the ways their partner prefers report higher satisfaction.4 That simpler point is the one to act on.
Closing
That brief exercise makes space to know yourself better, and in doing so, to know others. Speak the language they hear.
Questions I hear
What are the 5 love languages?
Words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. They describe how people express love and how they most readily recognize it.
Do the love languages apply at work?
Yes, with judgment. Affirmation, focused time, helpful action, and thoughtful recognition all translate to teams. Physical touch stays at a high-five.
Are the love languages scientifically valid?
Partly. Evidence for a single primary language is mixed. Evidence that expressing love the way your partner prefers improves satisfaction is solid, and that is the useful takeaway.
References
- Chapman, G. (1992). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Northfield Publishing.
- Dunn, E. W., Aknin, L. B., & Norton, M. I. (2008). Spending money on others promotes happiness. Science, 319(5870), 1687–1688. DOI
- Field, T. (2010). Touch for socioemotional and physical well-being: A review. Developmental Review, 30(4), 367–383. DOI
- Impett, E. A., Park, H. G., & Muise, A. (2024). Popular psychology through a scientific lens: Evaluating love languages from a relationship science perspective. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 33(2), 87–93. DOI
This article is written from a coaching perspective and is for general information. It is not psychotherapy, counseling, or medical advice, and it is not a substitute for care from a licensed professional.
Greg Murray · TPRAT certified, TLP Director, TPRAT co-facilitator. Coach to founders, executives, and artists. Writes here about what actually changes a person.
