Essays · · Updated
The Benefits of Boundaries
A garden without a fence cannot flourish. Neither can an inner life.
Greg Murray, Founder, Human Creative Coaching
In short
Boundaries feel unkind to set, and they are the opposite. Like the fence around a restaurant garden, they are what let a life-giving space exist and flourish. They keep the good in and the bad out, return ownership of your life to you, and release you from managing other people's emotions, which is care for them as much as for you. Start small, know your values, listen to your emotions.
In this piece
Why are boundaries important, and how do we create them? Setting boundaries can be hard, and may even seem unkind. I want to encourage you: healthy boundaries are a positive thing, for you and for your community.
A garden with a fence
I'm writing this from a beautiful public garden in Santa Barbara. Fruits, flowers, and herbs for a local restaurant grow all around. The garden provides fresh ingredients for the restaurant and for the guests who get to taste what it makes. Imagine, though, if there were no fence to keep out people and animals. This life-giving space likely couldn't exist, let alone flourish.
Our internal life is fairly parallel. When properly protected, it becomes something pleasant for friends and co-workers to experience; perhaps their interaction with you leaves them better off. Even more, proper protection gives your personal life room to flourish and lets you enjoy the rewards of the work you've put in.
A garden without a fence cannot flourish. Neither can an inner life.
Why is it so easy to lose the line?
You may find yourself forgetting where you begin and end around friends, family, or your boss. Old family, friendship, and work roles are easy to slip back into.
A wise friend in his late fifties once told me that when he goes home for the holidays, he often feels fifteen again. His teenage self felt unable to say what he deeply wanted to a father who was intimidating, easily angered, and had been verbally abusive. Who knows what my friend's father had gone through growing up.
Why are boundaries a kindness?
Setting clear boundaries may feel mean or bring a sense of guilt. Take heart: healthy boundaries are as much care for the other person as care for yourself.
Boundaries keep the good in and the bad out. Setting them means taking responsibility for your own choices, which returns ownership of your life to you. At the same time they release you from managing the other person's emotions and responsibilities. That has their best interest in mind too: it gives them room to grow and to be personally responsible.1 Maintaining that health is far better than letting people hop your proverbial fence whenever they choose.
What do boundaries give you?
- Increased peace
- Greater energy
- No need to manage other people's emotions
- Your private matters stay private
- Increased confidence
- Greater relational health
How do you get started?
- Start small.
- Take a breath and assess the room. Self-awareness is everything.
- Know your values. What you say yes and no to follows from them.
- Listen to your emotions. Resentment and exhaustion are boundary signals.
- Avoid triggering topics until you have the footing to hold them.
- Have self-respect.
- Consider the long-term benefits. The discomfort is short; the peace is not.
Closing
I hope the garden of your inner life flourishes further from this. For where boundaries actually run in a life, the companion piece on the five dimensions of boundaries is next.
Questions I hear
Why are boundaries important?
They protect the space where your inner life can flourish and return ownership of your choices to you. Without them, other people's demands and emotions run your life.
Are boundaries selfish?
No. Healthy boundaries release you from managing others and give them room to be responsible for themselves. That is care, not selfishness.
How do I start setting boundaries?
Small. Know your values, listen to resentment and fatigue as signals, and set one clear limit at a time.
References
- Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.
This article is written from a coaching perspective and is for general information. It is not psychotherapy, counseling, or medical advice, and it is not a substitute for care from a licensed professional.
Greg Murray · TPRAT certified, TLP Director, TPRAT co-facilitator. Coach to founders, executives, and artists. Writes here about what actually changes a person.
